Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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