you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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