well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
