I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
sarcasm needs its own font
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
