I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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