Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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