Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
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Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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