The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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