i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
