I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
