Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
