So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
