I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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