i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
