dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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