just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
