it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
