I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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