At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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