It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
