My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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