that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
