why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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