why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do herpes really smell.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
