You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
