We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just gargled with NyQuil
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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