I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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