are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
