i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
