You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
