i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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