I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
