she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
