Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
