Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
