Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
