At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.