she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids