My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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