Fine. I'll sleep in my office
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
