I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
