so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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