i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
