I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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