They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
