just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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