Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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