I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
