some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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