george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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