Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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