you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
