You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
