The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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