a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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