I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
